Wednesday, November 17, 2010

=== Quarters & Pence. ===

Equal signs in the title means something's going down.

(Just quickly, as the last gasp of air from this now dead blogging style, I'm trying to log on WoW now - after the formal - and turns out there's a 500mb patch. Hah.)
(500mb later, and the servers down for maintenance. Haaaah.)

As per request, this blog is going back to its root of pure emotional ranting and outbursts of someone who clearly knows anything about them. Others might say, "a view of the world from a robots perspective" - regardless, the general message I'm announcing with this post, is that there will be no more art post, no more games posts, no more random music links because I feel like updating for the sake of updating and sure as hell no more random links to things like this.

If you want my art, either subscribe to my Youtube or follow me on my DeviantArt. If you don't, I'll mention whether I have any new works at the end of posts and you can make your way there if you wish.
Status of SYH remains unknown.
Skin change coming soon to better suit the theme and coincidentally the name of this blog.

Reasoning comes from, perhaps [shout-out] Anna Vo mentioning she preferred the old style of this blog, and really, my art goes on the two previously mentioned sites and the miscellaneous stuff is usually just way too pointless to make a post about - see  "Art for Arts sake". So I thought it only logical to go back to it, and if Anna Vo is reading this, here is my correction of some details and a response to that epiphany you induced in me:

I will attempt to keep this as straight forward and short as possible, despite it being as illogical as I think it is.

Time and date, last night at the formal, myself and Anna Vo conversing about this very blog as, if you don't know, is our vague and distant link of how we know each other. She questions me of how it [old style of blogging] started and how it ended.
My response being, without going into mindless angst ridden details - there was a point in which I guess you could say I was conflicted with the choice of whether to be depressed like the rest of the world, sad and tired of living in a world where you don't belong, feeling as if you could be like everybody else but you really can't - or alternatively, keep the distance between the world of the collective mind and the reality as perceived in your own mind.
For some reason I find baffling, people actually would find their lives contrived if "their entire lives were actually dreams" to which I aptly respond "why does it matter?". The same response I would say to the "meaning of life". Because I ask this to you -- if what you envision the world as your reality was reality itself, how and why would it be altered by the fact that another conscious being either deems it as fake, or of not existing. The fact of the matter is that if you live in a world, understand and have the ability to acknowledge its every facet of its workings, how is this no better than what 'reality' really is?
Reality is created in the mind, the fact that you acknowledge people, objects, emotions as 'real' deems it to you as 'real'. I can only imagine this is the reason this is why humans have a nature about them to greet people with meaninglessly hollow 'hellos'.*
To this we could say, if reality is indeed created in the mind, then as conscious beings that have a control over said mind, then would we not be able to alter it to our benefit at will?
If you chose to be happy, you could be. If you chose to be successful, you could be. All you would have to do is believe it.
The trouble being that external forces such as the blatantly infinitely powerful collective human consciousness.
I'm tempted to rant continuously about conformity and how mentally incapable you must be to be a part of it, but I will spare you that nonsensical brain searing. For the sake of argument, I will even quote Shakespeare:
"If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?". - (The Merchant Of Venice, Quote Act III, scene I)
Point in case - No other human in the world has the right to say that you're wrong, nor do you the same to others. This extends beyond discrimination as Merchant of Venice dealt with, I believe, a Jewish merchant. There is no such thing as right or wrong. To say that a member of Parliament has more 'power' than you is a lie waving sails. The entire world is engulfed in this pathetic human attempt at 'order'.*
Previous point made implied to be separated from the collective is a good thing, but as I found out years ago, to live amongst them in your own little mental paradise creates some sort of conflict apparently...
It just seems so illogical to live in the collective world when it's such a ridiculous series of lies to somehow ensure the majority of the population remains 'happy and satisfied'.*
The fact that people are willing enough, despite not having any justified right to give themselves meaning through collective will seems like the thing I would most want to stay away from because quite frankly, I hate lies. I have not lied in several years I would honestly believe [with the exceptions of jokes and sarcasm]. The world is a giant lie as is an external meaningful existence. By this I mean that, like I mentioned earlier, people who want to find 'the meaning of life' genuinely want to believe that there is some form of a purpose when really, there isn't.
In case you're wondering, yes I have contradicted myself, but that exactly proves my point - you cannot give yourself meaning because you are meaningless, and too you cannot find meaning in life because you yourself have to grant yourself it. In short, life is one giant circle shaped lie.

At this point, I chose not to care. When I say that, I mean it. The proverb "Life is what you make it", I once used to believe to mean "life is shaped by the choices you make" - this is wrong, as I now know. It does not reflect upon choices and acts you perform, but rather what you believe life to be then becomes your reality.
I wanted a life where the problems didn't exist, so I chose not to believe they existed and by doing so was forced to keep distance with the rest of the world and its collective stronghold. I feel like I watch the world pass without my input but with all of my criticisms as I watch it toil within itself, churning with all its might to maintain some keep of form when every day, the addition of new problems are simply strung back together with lousy solutions to add to the authenticity of a decrepit world.
I just don't care. Why should I? I don't feel the justice to give myself a reason to live nor should anyone be able to give me a reason - not to say I would commit suicide, suicide is stupid and for the weak.* - so I lay back and watch the clouds because all you can really do in this world is dream.
If you don't care, you don't worry. Really, assess your problems and you should, if you have any decency of mind, realise that they aren't even problems at all. They're only problems because you think they're problems* - as mentioned earlier, the creation of state of mind is solely dependant on you. Happiness doesn't come from any external force, though some ill-hired 'popular' magazine columnist may tell you it comes from shoes, wardrobe size or even more pathetically worse, how good your social life is.*
Most people, if not all choose to 'want to be happy' as opposed to 'be happy'. They feel as if they require some collective mandate, permission even from the rest of societal being to be happy. I feel this is absolutely pathetic. Meaningless. Ill-perceived. Nonsensical. Nothing.
@Anna Vo: I imagine that the ability to overcome problems in life would be accomplishment, not happiness. Or at least, that's my understanding of it. My apologies for taking such a long time to think of why it riddled me so.

I have lost my train of thought as I deleted a paragraph due to future contridictions, but I'm going to sum this up because I may even being to rival Brendan Byron in blog length:
I could choose to be happy. I just choose not to. I could perhaps choose to be social, but really, my time to learn social mannerisms and standards is long past, and I really don't care any more [this implying, I once did]. Anna Vo even mentioned "I thought you'd be intimidating to talk to [in relation to the style of blog posts] but you're really easy to get along with" to which I replied, in quite possibly the worst fashion possible "It may be because I'm actually trying [to talk to you because it's supposed to be a 'formal' where certain standards are meant to be kept]".
It just seems that the logical weighing of happiness to effort required seems so horribly imbalanced. Fact is, happiness, or the pursuit/ascertaining it is most definitely not within the five of my top most priorities.*
And true to style, this long winded post has actually made me forget what point I was trying to make in the beginning. I've answered the first part, the second part [why the blogging stopped] would possibly because I may have ventured back into a state of happiness for a considerable amount of time - which actually ended in the worst possible way, and to make matters worse, I was on some sort of high, which means I plummeted quite a distance. It basically emotionally killed me beyond the point of depression. I posted a blog about this, where I genuinely could not feel anything. At all. There was a time period where when stimuli were applied, I could actually feel my brain thinking to itself "I should be feeling an emotion but am not" and my body would feel an empty shudder originate from the base of my spine. Lasted a couple of months. First time I thought that I might have gone too far. But no adventure goes without its gain. There was a point where I didn't want emotions because I found them loathsome and unnecessary. I guess I may have experienced that. It was not exactly what I thought it would be. For future reference, I have 'broken free' from this hold in the last couple of weeks. Though now I feel possibly worse. Not caring can only be measured by what it would be to care, and the difference seems so much more substantial now.

My apologies, this I assure you will by my last bit / TL;DR:
Reality is perceptive. I don't want a happy reality because honestly I don't deserve it, nor would I want to be engulfed in lies. There is no such thing as true happiness because it is plagued with the lies of the collective world. I choose not to care because there's no reason to worry because everything you find problematic is a problem because you believe it to be a problem.

* = Future topic.

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