Apparently feeling tried all day AND not being able to sleep when you want to is a sign of depression! That exclamation mark makes it all OKAY.
I wouldn't say I'm tired the day through, teh routine usually consit 70% of simply thinking of something to do, 10% is reminding myself that I already checked Facebook/blogs/the usually forums 30 seconds ago, and the other 20% is doing the stuff that I actually should be - like eating. LETS BREAK IT DOWN NOW:
- Wake up at 11am because I most probably watched Fraiser > Seinfield > TMZ.
- Go on comp before eating breakfast and regret it soon after because that usually causes headaches.
- Eat breakfast at 2pm. And then lunch at 215pm.
- Try to do something productive and end up refreshing pages until someone does or post something.
- Dinner at 5-6pm. Apparently that's early, but I read that you're supposed to have a meal every 3 hours or something like that. So yeah, whos' the weird one NOW?
- 6pm, check usually webcomics, Explosm at 9pm because they decide to be late. This includes most user uploaded porn sites.
- Comp until 10-11pm, unless there's some epic movie on. I missed Die Hard 2 today (or yesterday actually) because my brother was downstairs. I could've watched it on the other tv downstairs, but I wouldn't to degrade myself to his level. BA DUM PSSSSSSHHHHHH.
- Watch Fraiser > Seinfield > TMZ. Unless it's Wednesday, which is when Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves is on, or weekends, which for some reason don't have those 3 shows in a row, but rather miscellaneous shows like Father of the Pride, or Gossip Girl which is right now I think. I watched 2 episodes simple because I was mesmerised at how much makeup they had which I for some reason didn't notice when I watched the first season. Even the guys would be able to challenge clowns at a circus. The show is about rich peope- my main problem, I hate rich people. Maybe because I'm jkelous, but that woudln't make any sense because I ask myself regularly "What do tyou want to purchase quoc?, because appanrelyt, normal people WANT things they don't NEED" - disreegarding tye last part, I'd always answer with some sort of ambiguous shrug. I hosnestly can t' think of anything I want that I don't already have. Possilny novelty items like a penicorn, but where would I put that? With my other neglected toys (which you can/or have already seen in a previous blog entitled "holiday happy snaps" which I do bleive was created last holidays.) Right no\w, the shelf top town consist of a teddy bear, a balloon lion thing with dangly bits, a prank shock ladybug thing, a kangaroo pen, the wheelbarrow peice from monopoly, my OBEY bot that I made for a contest, and the newest addition - ball which has a wood texture, so I don't know if that's supposed to be misleading or not.
- TMZ ends at liek, 1am or something, so that usually means i sleep at like, 4am beuca se to my surprise, my habit og not being able to sleep near instantaneously is 'abnormal'. /i read (or possibly imagined, i get these two mixed up alot) that sleeping should consist of laying down co\mfortably, and closing yourt eyes. if that's acutally so, then either i'm not comfotable enough, or i'm not closing my eyes properly. I usually try to exhaust myself until my body has to rest. Maybe it's the fact that I eat ridiculous amounts of food at night, rather than in the day - because dieting tip #36 : the body absorbs more / digest more in the first half of the day.I ate a bunch of nuts [and legumes because apparenlty, cashews aren't nuts yet they usually call them 'cashew nuts'] because i coudln't be bothered to 'make' anything, and convineintly ther was a far of mixed nuts where i only ate the cashers and the pistachios. Almonds were there too buyt they are evil mother fuckers. I literally crached my tooth from top to bottom eating one once, and from that point on, they have been sinister looking to me. Also they taste like wood, so whty \would you eat them anyway.
- If I can't sleep I'll go on the comp to try and destroy my eyes because when you're near tired, verything you read starts to look italicised. I was reading a post and I there was a triplet of 3 words in brackets, and everytime i focused on one of the words in the rtiplet, it became italicised and I thought there was some sort of sarcastic emphases on that word in particular, but then I'd read it again to make sure, but then another word would be itatlicised.
- I'd like to think I drink ecessive water. I usually drink water when I'm bored. so io usualyl go through quite a couple of litres a day. the act of drinking water just seems so satisfying, you're consuming superfluous amounts of liquid, yet, it being water, it doesnt' REALLY affect you that much at all - if anything, it's probably making you better. unlike that guy which my year 3/4 teacher told me about. apparently she knew a guy who died from 'drowning' becuse he 'drank too much water'. she also took in her sisters son when she died in a car crash and occasionally goes on vacations with her brother ina house which seems t be haunted, and a primary target for robberies when she once mistook the burgaler fro her brother when he came in the room. it's amzing that i can't remmber thses things when io feel so mind drunk, yet i seem to forget the most important of thinsg - not that i haven't anything improtant to remmber. i'll try and think of something 'important that normal people remmber' and through the magic of text, it woudl seem as if it was instantaneous. well there's birthdays, and public holidays - both of which i really dont' care for. Anniversaries, days when 'events' happened - I don't get attached to people, so i really dont' care, but i guess that part in particular counts for proper function, simply because the dates dont' bare any sort of importance to me, my brain decides to forget it. The only proper date ic can remmber is 31st of august when buxton called mariam and amanda picked up and told him rto fuckk off - but that may be because he remninds me about it constantly.
- IF i'm opted to lying in bed, i'll either be trying to drown out those bickering voices in my head with music, crying myself to sleep [because i'm lonely? I woudlnt' say so, there are other reasons] or conversing with said voices. there's kha, the violent one - he is good as an adviser, but that's when he actualyl devides to give advice. for the most part he'll be laughing at me and my actions because .. well because he can. 2nd in command and generally primary 'thought' or, my main 'subconcious' would be an equivalent, orisen. tells me what to do usually. generally good, but his processm of analysis is as human as it gets - and that basically means, errors ensue. the third of the htoup, tetrahe - emotions, whatnot. he gets locked up by the other two because i tsaid so. the topics rthey seem to cover usually range from 'regreted actiosn' to... 'regretted actions'. the main focus is to 'learn from mistakes', though, i'd have to say their method of blantatly shoving the words "you were wrong in doing this, and you will suffer the implcations" in my face with recurring memories would seem a bit ... forward in my opinon.
- with the voices, they usually show me better things, possible re-ali-fied ? versions of 'fantasies'. I can't think of a better word , but think of fantasies without the sexual connotation. one of the would be to completely disconnect meyself from everyone i know at presetn (generally, hahs peopel) as soon as I finish and move to melbourne or somewhere of that calibre. suspend my facebook, delete everyone from msn and start afresh. simply because - well it's not because i wantt to start afgresh, as if i regret my time with said people, but rather, destroy all potential of having some sort of 'long term relationship', as in, those people who say 'they've been friends ever since high school'. the entire idea of that sortof relation doesn't exactly seem 'plausible' or better yet 'ideal' to me, that you're going to get to know someone so well, you'll everually run out of things to find out about them, and could potentialyl get boring.Every person's a book, and no book has infinite pages, they'll eventually dwindle down until the pint ehere in your small talk, you'll end up talking about things that occured recently because you'vbe already learnt everyhting that's happened before them, and you've probably been with them for the most part, so the information passage would be limited. a deeper explination would be the , i guess the fact that i wouldnt' really want to know someone 'completly'. i would have to say i have the courtesy of acting towards others as i would want them to act towards me, ie; i'll stand over here by myself - in other words, i want to be alone right now. I wouldn't trust anyone with my entier lifes history, like that time when I was 14 that I made some sort of pact with Kha that I wuld end up letting him control some of my life, because until that point, he'd/it'd been locked away and it usually came up in short burst of purely evil anger - well i guess the difference is that i'm a general 'mild angry', but all the time, which i guess in a sense is alot better because before the merge i'd actually have some sort of sadistic pleasure in hearing about people dying and suffering in the news. Odd. I mean, the only person, or rather, entity of consciousness i truly trust in are the 3 inside my head. most probbly because their judgement inevitably governs whether they live or die. I woudln't trust another person because i don't understand theri thinking - even in general. my mind, i woudl say, works in a completly different spectrum to others and I woudln't have the slightest clue as to how i should/would interact with antoher human being. liek as if my parents psuhed me into education/productivity studies and forgot to teach me people skills. but why would you blame my parents wghen you could blame the voices in my head. you'd think they developed over time of struggle and inner hate/depression, but i honestly think that they'ev always been there, it was just a amtter of accepting them, and that occured when i was 14. something happened wihhc i dont' actually remember, and Kha [he's the leader of them apparenlty. i dont actually remember the other 2 until afterwards] said he coudl help, so i was like 'sure, why not'. Things have been better since he's been around. determination, concentration, focus, chi gathering/cultivating vastly improved. also, an important detail, my 'aura' for some reason increased dramatically when his presence was introduced unto mine. random people have some sort of knack to confuse mine with khas. alot of people feel some sort of 'powerful' energy emitting from me - which is illogical because the aura kha emits is usually that of a curse-like, ill-bent aura that generally ensues bad luck to people around me. though, those peopel usually tell me that they feel as if i'm going to be a great, sucessful person when i grow up, simply from the 'vibe' i give off.
- do i get lonely? sure, all the time, but because who i am in reality is completly different to what i act like around people, even i would find it incredibly disturbing to think that i vaguely belive in 'true love', or a better way of working around it woudl be that I'd think there'd be someone that was tailored to be your better half and vice versa, that there could possibly someone that doesn't have anything faults as you see them because you see them differently than others because they are made for you. I was actually thinking because, it woudl be nice to meet a really heavy religious chaste girl becayse the morals are there, the religious upbringing would have taught her justice and truth [albiet, implciations with some reasoning with 'god being real'] and she wouldn't have had been a dirty slut at any point - fundamentally, nearly ticking all the boxes on my list. The problem being, i'd think my skin would feel as if it were on fire in a church [or place of 'god'] because a while ago, i paced in lack of light [... in darkess] and felt a chilling comfort grasp around my back, as if the darkness welcomed me as its brethren in arms, that it too understood and accepted my for my flaws, and not my achievements.
My final word is, that maybe at some points i'd 'wish' that i coudl be more 'human liek' with the 'human conidtion' of empathy and concerning of emotion/ understanding people as my own kin, but obviously, the anticonformist in me begs to differ. what's the point of understanding humans when the only outcome recieved from your input is human relation./contact/intergration/interaction and potentially having your presence enjoyed by others? a secondary 'fantasy' of mine is the simply be hated by everyone, to the point where everyone hypotheically wanted me dead. i thinkn that the status of 'ultimate outcast' would end up empowering me crweating a void of sorts where the fact that i have so many people hating me woudl inevitable wind me into having a purpose in life, to defeat everyone and better them in their own existence, that my overwall willpower, determination and inner strength would increase because of the puire hatred fro me.
I just don't concern myself with the likes of others because i feel as if my pathetic exitence in this world is deemed 'unnesscessary' by others, and that i am not worthy of being in the presence of others.
Oh by the way, this is potentailly tetrahe typing all of rthis, i can't hear the other two, because i tihnk they've either been sedated, or are asleep as i should be.